


Keep Telling Yourself That, Darling

by Lunarblue21



Category: Ice Age (Movies), Pirates of the Caribbean (Movies)
Genre: Crack Pairing, F/M, Gen, Sid/Ellie - Freeform, crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-14
Updated: 2020-04-14
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:01:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23651275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lunarblue21/pseuds/Lunarblue21
Summary: Crack! fic. Sid/Ellie. Inspired by an old Ice Age AMV and written for my old friend at ff.net, Goddess On a Highway. PoTC and Ice Age crossover, with Sid as Captain Jack Sparrow. Just read it. A lot of people thought it was HILARIOUS at the time, and weirdly enough, this story kind of predicted the pirate themes that showed up in IA4. Just read it ok? :P
Relationships: Sid/Ellie
Kudos: 1





	Keep Telling Yourself That, Darling

**Disclaimer: I own neither Ice Age or PoTC, or the idea for having the IA characters seem to be Pirates characters, the person who first thought of that is Dracori, with her awesome video/trailer mashup of Pirates of the Ice Age: At World's End, where part of the inspiration for this story derives from(although it has since been taken down from YouTube.)**

**ALSO FOR THE RECORD, THIS STORY IS NOT MEANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. Read it as comedy and nothing else. It's a crack! Pairing and crack!fic, which makes it unusual solely because of that.  
**

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It was a gentle, balmy morning in the glacially-cut valley that the herd resided in. Pinpoints of light crept through the fir trees until they landed upon the closed eyelids of a warm brown furred female mammoth, who slept with her trunk in that of her mate, a slightly darker bull named Manfred. Their young daughter, Peaches slept in the oval space between her parents' faces.

The rays of the sun's fingers gently touched Ellie's eyelids, causing her to groggily open her eyes. Standing to her feet, she strode out into the burgeoning dawn. Glancing back at her herd, she found that everyone else was still asleep. Diego, their tiger friend, lay on a ledge directly above Manny and Peaches, his head resting on his forelegs as they protruded over the ledge. A small smile crinkled up Ellie's green eyes as she stared lovingly at half of her family.

 _It's like he chose that ledge just so he could sleep protectively over Manny and Peaches,_ she mused as her gaze drifted down to the other alcoves in the herd's cavern, finding happily that her brothers were slumbering together, and Eddie was using his unconscious brother's tail as a makeshift pacifier. The female mammoth's eyebrow quirked in dismay as she realised that all the other members of the herd were here and accounted for, but the sloth – his rock bed situated beside the possum's boulder noticeably empty – was absent.

 _Where's Sid?_ Ellie wondered with maternal concern, her gaze taking a circuit of the nearby area, but still there was no sign of the sloth. Casting a surreptitious glance over her remaining family members, she decided that this matter wasn't prudent enough to arouse them all. Nodding her head decisively, the she-mammoth set off on a quest to find the sloth.

Experiencing a sensation of impulsive boldness, Ellie clambered up a tree, and then swung a branch back and forth until its elasticity lent her the impetus to swing forward onto the next branch, smiling gaily as she did so. Surprisingly, none of the other creatures of their valley seemed to notice the commotion the lady mammoth was causing, something Ellie didn't comprehend as she employed the branches of several medium-size cottonwood trees as monkey bars.

Arriving at the final strong branch near the end of the forest, Ellie descended to earth with a satisfying thump that reverberated underneath the soil of the ground. Shaking her head to steady her thumping heart after that strenuous exercise, the she-mammoth raised her head, only to find that she had accidentally bumped it against Sid's.

 _Where did he come from?_ Ellie pondered to herself.

Sid, meanwhile, was rubbing his forehead somewhat ruefully. On the ground beside him lay a bundle of small logs and a sharp flint tool he'd picked up on his foraging.

He had kept it because it reminded him very much of Pinky, and the thought of possibly trying to carve something into his medium-sized logs excited him. His friend Cholly, a large ground sloth with strong arms but a stomach problem, hence he could sympathize with Sid's inability to never catch any of the girls, and thus he was more than willing to help Sid out with gathering his medium-sized logs together.

In certain sloth circles, Sidney was grudgingly admired for several various reasons: one, he apparently was friends with a _carnivore_ , and that fact alone generated hidden respect. Two, he was "Lord of the Flame" and though they were loath to do so, other sloths conceded that this skill in creating heat was a notable asset, especially when the Meltdown Valley frosted over on the harsh winter nights.

"Sorry, Sid," Ellie apologized.

"Ah, don't worry Ellie," Sid replied amiably, as he struggled to pick up his bundle of logs. With a roguish glint in his blue eyes, he continued, "It happenth to everyone. Don't worry about it."

A small grin darted into the she-mammoth's eyes as she heard the sloth lisp. Why hadn't she ever thought it to be well, so _sexy_ before? Just to hear him talking caused her heart to quicken.

"Can I help?" she asked, taking the bundle from Sid, who glanced at her with a mischievous expression in his eyes.

"Thure, Ellie," was his response, and the lady mammoth thrilled once again as his lips caressed her name tenderly. "Come on, I have thomething to thhow you."

"Okay!" Ellie exclaimed from behind the log bundle. "What are we doing, Sid?"

Her lime green eyes widened in dumbstruck surprise as she watched Sid carefully place a well-designed triangular object upon his head. It looked ... odd, frankly. Slowly, she became aware of what the sloth was saying,

"I found it at down at the theathhore, I don't know where it came from… how do I look?" he inquired of the female mammoth, who dropped the logs as his eyes turned on her – burning with ardor.

"Dashing," the lady mammoth responded truthfully. She reached out her trunk to gently stroke his cheek.

"Oh, Sid," Ellie whispered. "You're such a sweetie. It's a shame that no one who wants you..."

" _You_ do," Sid said. At this shocking revelation, Ellie's head snapped up sharply.

"I most certainly do not!" she protested, vainly attempting to snatch Sid's whatever-it-was away from him.

"It'th called a _hat_ ," Sid interjected, but Ellie rattled on unheeding.

"I'm mated to _Manny,_ Sid! I have a daughter with him! Of course I don't want you! What made you think such a ridiculous thing?"

"You did."

" _What?"_

"Lithen, Ellie," Sid pleaded, in that voice that made her heart melt – slightly. "You're the only one who ith actually kind to me and careth about me – Ellie, I know you love me."

The female mammoth narrowed her eyes, reaching out again for the hat, but Sid only clambered (somewhat gracefully) up to the top of a high boulder.

"Sid!"

"Admit that you love me, Ellie!"

Inclining her head, the cow stared forlornly at the ground beneath her feet. She pawed at it restlessly with one foot. Angling her face sideways, she noticed out of the corner of her eye that Sid has climbed into a nearby tree with a good sturdy tough green vine embracing it. He had lowered himself down on the vine until he was face to face with the cow, still wearing the hat. Secretly, the cow's heart whispered that he was irresistibly debonair, but she tried to ignore it. This didn't work.

The sloth pulled an unseen ratchet somewhere out of the cow's periphery of vision, so that they were eye to eye now instead of just face to face. He tipped his tricorne leather hat jauntily at her, and Ellie felt a smile tugging at the sides of her mouth.

"Oh, all right," Ellie conceded. "I'll come with you – but only for tonight, Sid."

"Thparrow," Sid lisped in reply. " _Captain_ Thid Thparrow. Thavvy?"

_Hmmm..._

"Okay, then, _Captain_ Sid Sparrow," she countered, "but where are we going?"

Sid hopped down from his perch on the rock, and then crossed over to her, taking her trunk protectively in his claws. His hat still sat on his face, lending him an impish appearance. Ellie nearly laughed out loud, Sid just looked soo hilarious. He winked at her merrily, and then proceeded to lead her down to the seashore.

"Juth lithen to me, love," Sid replied, stepping along with an air of smartness in his manner, still clutching the cow's trunk. Ellie unwillingly allowed herself to follow along after the sloth.

As they crested the top of a plateau fringed by large, leafy plants that obscured the view ahead, Sid moved to the side, whispering into her ear,

"Welcome to Tortuga, love."

As he spoke to her, the sloth darted forward, pulling down to large, leafy fronds that were blocking Ellie's view of this "Tortuga" Sid had spoken of.

"Tith the land of the Tortoithe," Sid explained grandly, taking her trunk protectively in his claws again as they strolled forward past the huge leaf fronds – back into a place Ellie vividly remembered, as her daughter had been born there – Dinotopia.

"This is Tortuga?" she exclaimed as hordes of mini-sloth cannibals swarmed up to the sloth and the mammoth lady, who did not know that these tiny sloths considered Sid their king. They came up to them, bearing large bottles of rum, and bowing effusively to Sid. At that auspicious moment, a weasel with an eye patch over his right eye entered by swinging down from a vine. He landed next to the sloth.

"Thith ith my friend," Sid explained to Ellie, glowering at the weasel with an expression that connoted more "friendly enemy" than anything else. Ellie quirked an eyebrow as she watched the weasel and the sloth talk.

"Hector Barbotha," Sid went on in an aside to Ellie before he took up his banter with the weasel again – something about the weasel's frequent thefts of his boat. Barbossa looked over Ellie keenly, and then glanced at Sid with a knowing look that signaled "good catch."

Ellie though was oblivious to this, as Sid had finished his parley with the weasel and was leading her deeper into the jungle (but not before grabbing several bottles of rum from his loyal subjects) and then they hurried to a secluded glade, where Sid poured the rum into two cups for him and Ellie.

"Now, thith ith the life, ithn't it, love. Altho, my dear, can I call you Elle? It fits you tho much better than Ellie…"

"Of course you can!" replied Ellie, amiability in her tone as she began to guzzle down the rum. The effects of the rum led to Ellie and Sid's heads leaning in close for a near kiss, but Ellie pulled away at the last minute.

 _Manny!_ She thought, feeling as though cold water had rushed over her. Sid groggily sat up as well, and then covered one of his hands to see what was coming at them – the cannibal sloths!

Thinking quickly, Sid hoisted himself onto a thick vine, and then swung by Ellie, grasping her trunk to pull her up with him. Down below, the cannibal mini-sloths jeered angrily at him.

Sid smirked,

"Thith ith the day you will alwayth remember as the day you _almoth_ caught Captain Thid Thparrow!"

As they landed onto an ice floe, safely away from the murderous savages, Sid smiled at Ellie wistfully, and then began to fade out…

"Ellie, Ellie!" Manny exclaimed, nudging his mate. "Wake up; you've slept in almost the entire morning!"

"Whaa..." Ellie murmured, shaking her head to clear away the last vestiges of sleep. "Manny! You're here!"

"Of course I'm here. Where else would I be?"

"Oh Manny, I just had the most amazing dream! Sid was in it, and he was a captain of some sort called Sid Sparrow, and he fell in love with me!"

"Yeah, I can really see that happening," Manny shot back with a sarcastic inflection in his voice, which deflated Ellie. Diego, appearing at the mouth of the cave with Peaches, wasn't much better.

"Manny, where are you? We're supposed to be taking Peaches on a walk… you had a dream where you fell in love with _Sid,_ Ellie? That's just ridiculous. Manny, let's go!"

At the very back of the cave, a sleepy voice mumbled as it made its first appearance into the light,

"Ellie'th not lying, I had it too and she wath there!"

"Yeah, like we believe you, Sid." Crash taunted as he and Eddie jumped onto Manny's tusks, as they were joining the others for Peaches' walk.

"Manny!" Diego called out again from the outside, "Peaches is waiting for you."

Manny followed after his best friend, but not before casting a reproachful glance at his mate before leaving her alone in the cave with the sloth.

She sighed to herself, and Sid caught the whoof of air from her. He knew she was disappointed that no one believed her, so he went up to her, caressing her trunk.

A rueful smile graced Ellie's features, and she bent forward, giving Sid a kiss.

"It never would have worked out between us, Sid."

Sid roguishly arched an eyebrow at her, and then he countered, with no trace of a lisp,

"Keep telling yourself that, darling."

Smiling happily, trunk in claw, mammoth and sloth departed from the cave. And in Sid's corner of the room, next to his sleeping rock, a strange triangular leathery object lay hidden…

***Cue Pirates of the Caribbean Theme Music***

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